HOUSTON, TEXAS – Local DJ Byron Franklin has admitted that the only reason he leaves his house and interacts with people at all is in case he needs to start a GoFundMe for potential health issues.
“I was told growing up that I had a fairly repellent personality.” Franklin told us in an interview conducted at a local Starbucks. “But with the way healthcare is being handled in this country, I can’t afford for people to dislike me.”
Upon moving to Houston from Cincinatti, Ohio in 2016, Bryan found it difficult for someone in his field to get insurance coverage. As is the case throughout most of the country, a 10-year-old skin cancer diagnosis met the criteria for a pre-existing condition, preventing the 27 year-old from receiving the coverage that he could potentially need in the event future sickness or injury.
“I did my research and saw what it would cost for me to be covered, and I was nearly knocked out of my shoes,” Franklin told us, “But what I ended up finding was that professional acting classes would cost me considerable less than any insurance policy. Now, I didn’t have that many friends on Facebook, but I quietly viewed the profiles of people that hadn’t updated their privacy settings and found that crowd sourcing was the new insurance! It just took on a life of it’s own from there.”
Franklin then paid the tuition and began attending acting classes at Houston Community College twice a week. As he learned the nuance and theory of acting, he also learned to mask his distaste for interacting with other people. Before long, he found himself out at bars in Midtown Houston, forcing himself to approach other human beings, and feign interest in their lives.
“At first it was difficult.” Franklin told us, “Talking to anybody who isn’t my own mother usually makes me want to gouge my own eyes out, but after a while, I stopped seeing the people, and I just started seeing dollar signs. It was like in cartoons when the wolf and the pig are shipwrecked, and at first the wolf sees the pig as an annoying, talkative swine, but then later he gets desperate and sees his head turn into a juicy roasted ham. That was basically the transition that I went through.”
Franklin even used the money from his job to decorate his apartment in a way that he thought would lure people into friendship.
“Sure, it ended up being kind of pricey, but at the same time, it was still much cheaper that paying for medical, dental, and vision out of pocket. I call my place ‘The Venus Flytrap’. I got this couch, and it actually transforms into a bed. Can you believe it? For some reason, people love it, so I got two of them.”
Now, with over 500 Facebook friends, and more being added daily, Franklin says he feels that his future is a lot more secure.
“All it took was sitting and taking notes. I just have to say little catch-all phrases like, ‘Pokemon Go was fun at first, but I uninstalled it. It needs to be more like the original game if they want to have it continue to be successful’, or ‘I do love Tim Burton, but he needs to realize there are actors other than Johnny Depp’, or the ever popular, ‘I just can’t believe what’s happening to this country’. Depending on how they respond to that last one, I know how to proceed. It’s like a game! I have all my Facebook friends in different lists, and I post updates that I think they’ll respond to. Sure I have to go out to bars and clubs every now and then, and next month, I’m supposed to be someone’s best man, but it’s a small price to pay if I need dialysis somewhere down the road.”
When asked f he thought this article would disrupt his plan, Franklin responded that no one would read it anyway, and that “print is dead.”