Calling all racists! Calling all racists! Hear ye! Hear ye! Boy, have I got a deal for you!
As you know, the people that you put in office are fucking up royal, and are probably going to be voted out of office in due time, if they aren’t impeached first. That’s a tough break, y’all. Really. You guys lost the Civil War, and you’re still sore about that, so this can’t feel nice. Sore like when Charlie died on Lost times a thousand. All because you couldn’t own black people anymore. I feel for you. I really do. If I was stupid, I’d probably get mad at stupid stuff too. You’re out here defacing Jewish cemeteries with almost swastikas, vandalizing mosques, and having white power marches with dollar store tiki torches. It’s a cry for help. You’re lashing out. You’re hurting. I. Get. It.
Well, I had this idea, you see. Been cooking it up in my big brown skull for a while now, and I think it’s time I shared my vision with the bigoted, white world. I’ll try not to use big words.
See, you right-wing ding-dongs have a thing that you say to people when they aren’t satisfied with the status quo. We’ll come out and say something controversial like, “We need gun control” or, “Please stop letting cops that kill black people without consequence” or, “Women are also people”. Then you suddenly stand up straight, puff your chest out, and say my favorite thing that you say: “If you don’t like it, you can leave.”
Never you mind that there have been 27 amendments to the constitution, all of which changed it. Forget all that! You think for yourself! You don’t need no constitution to tell you how to defend the constitution! You’re saying, “America don’t change, darkie. Like it or leave”, even though America can change whenever it wants to. That’s what I admire about you yokels: Your tenacity. Your drive to keep everything the same because you’re white, and dammit, that’s all you’ve got going for you. “I am white, I am proud, and I will ride this fire-breathing boner-eagle right into the fucking sun!”
You also developed a remix of the previous statement, which can be used at any time, with any ol’ colored people walking on the street, minding their own business, and not just in reaction to something we say: “Go back to [country you perceive someone to be from].”
I love it! It’s so confusing for us brown people! We’re like, “I was born here!” but by the time we open our mouths in response, you’ve already sped away; presumably because you’re late to a ceremony where you’re being awarded a medal for bravery and hot takes. It hits me, man. It takes me to another place in my head knowing that you don’t want me to be here. You look at me and assume I do drugs, that I’m unemployed, and that if given the opportunity, I would overthrow the government and replace it with something you’d probably hate, and dammit, you’re right! You got me! See, we thought we could be sneaky, but nothing gets past you guys.
Well, I’ve heard your arguments, and I think you’re right. I should leave the country. There, I said it! Are you happy now? Can you sleep better tonight knowing that the mean ol’ negro on the other end of the computer box is packing his bags for Africa? Well, you shouldn’t, because my bags aren’t yet packed. I don’t have the money to invest in your proposed migration! I know, I know! Boo! Boo on me! If only I’d used my unfair advantages to take the place of a white student at a university, then maybe I could pay my way to Kenya using pure bootstraps and elbow grease! I got your hopes up, only to dash them on sexy, black rocks, and I’m sorry. This tragic turn is worse than when they started letting the coloreds play basketball.
But here’s the deal: We can help one another. See, I don’t have the cash to blow this rocket pop stand, and you’re getting thousands and thousands of dollars back from trump’s tax cuts, right? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? You can’t see it, but I’m raising my eyebrows in a suggestive manner.
I’m going to start a GoFundMe to leave the country. I’ll get on a plane as soon as possible. The biggest, sharpest plane I can find, and I will leave the United States for new, exciting lands with other people who speak different languages, and listen to strange music. People who may or may not like me; I mean I’m not for everyone, but I can try! I just need you to donate to the “Go back to your country” fund. You will, in fact, have one less black person voting in the next election, one last black person that you’ll have to follow around a convenience store to make sure they don’t steal, and one less person yelling, “don’t go in there” when you see a horror movie. Who knows, maybe I’d have walked by your car while you were stopped at a red light at some point, and if you pay for me to leave right now, you won’t have to lock your door in that potentially dangerous situation. Can you imagine? There’s a lot more of us, but there could be one less, and that’s nothing to shake a stick at.
Just look at what your one-time donation can get you:
Donate $20: Once I’m out of the country, I’ll send you a postcard from wherever I settle that says, “I’m absolutely miserable! I regret every moment that I spent taking the freedoms that America provided me for granted!”
Donate $50: I will make you a personalized video stating, “[YOUR NAME] was right! I’m a commie cuck who eats farts!” and you can put that on your Facebook wall, so all of your friends will know what a fart-eating commie cuck I am.
Donate $100: I will unlearn three American words of your choosing. Eagle? Gone. Twinkie? Poof! What even is a twinkie?! Spangled? Dead to me. Constitution? More like Consti-nah, son!
Donate $500: Three words: Fresh. Baked. Cookies… Made with my blood. Lots of it. I will be in a weakened state without all that sweet, life-giving blood. You, meanwhile, will gain my strength and become immune to the cursed blade I carry on my hip at all times.
Donate $1,000: I will forget how to love.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It’s one thing to yell at the uppity minorities over Twitter, but a whole other thing to actually act; to do something meaningful. When your friends are talking about someone they’ve harassed on Reddit, you can stand up big and tall, saying “While you dorks were getting blocked and reported, I got rid of one of ’em!” Can you imagine the look on their faces? I will send you a certificate of authenticity that you can whip out like an FBI badge and dispel any and all murmurs that seek to dismiss your claims as folly! I’m a one-stop shop!
So, consider donating. You want your country a certain way, and I want to leave the country a certain way… First class, if at all possible. We both benefit from your financial commitment, and I’m eager to see your comments on my page after I receive what is sure to be a generous donation.
Thank you for reading, and God Bless America
*Offer is only valid for this one-time GoFundMe period. Those donating will have no say in where it is I travel to, but can rest assured it will not be anywhere within the 50 United States as is currently stands. Participants are encouraged to remember that I never said I would leave for forever, and I reserve the right to return to the country at any time, bringing with me any and all skills acquired overseas in order to help dismantle and ultimately obliterate white supremacy. Void where prohibited. Actually, no. Nothing is void until I say it is. You’ve decided when and where things are void long enough, oppressor.